A Glorious Marriage | MBC Relationship Conference 2025 (Session 2) | Pastor Mark Griffin

Well, I have the joy of talking about that great wonderful institution of marriage. And marriage is one of God's greatest gifts to humanity. He designed it. He created it and instituted it, and it will last until the very end of this age. But we live in a society today where marriage is not valued.

Divorce, adultery, affairs, abuse, neglect, abandonment are all running rampant in our society. And we even live in a day and age where peoples and governments can inconceivably call two men or two women living in a relationship and call that marriage. That shows us that we as a people have no idea what marriage is really about. And I fear that this ungodly ideology is seeping into the church, Where in many of our churches today, the same issues of divorce and affairs and abuse and neglect are running like wildfire. So in this session today, I hope to unpack with you what does the Bible say about marriage.

We will look at biblical foundations for what marriage truly is, and we will also look at some practical applications based upon the word of God and both are necessary. This is not a conference of a self help nature where five steps to have a healthy, healthy single life or five steps to have a healthy marriage. That's not what this conference is about because to offer you practical advice apart from biblical truth would leave you with a hollow marriage. It might have the appearance of peace. It might have the appearance of godliness, but it is empty inside and devoid of power.

So in this session today, it really is for everyone. Whether you have been married for five minutes or fifty years, whether you are not yet married, and whether your marriage currently is filled with joy, filled with peace, or your marriage is struggling, there's pain, there's heartache in your marriage, this session is for you. And like pastor Daniel says, due to time, we will not be able to cover every scenario, every topic that I would I I I desire to cover. But we trust the Lord that what is said today will be a help to you, will be an encouragement to your soul and will give you it will give you inspiration and it will give you a tremendous appreciation for what God does in marriage. So I've divided this section into three parts.

First, we will look at the purpose of marriage, according to the bible. Then we will look at patterns for joy in your marriage. What can you do in your marriage to cultivate joy? And then lastly, we will look at paths to conflict resolution in your marriage. Today that you will come away from this with with, yes, some practical wisdom to help you in your everyday.

But even more than that, you will come away with a better understanding of what the Bible says marriage really ought to be. So let's pray. Father, thank you. Lord, thank you for these few moments that you have given to us to to dive into your word. And, Lord, I pray now that you that you help us help us soften our hearts to hear from you today.

Lord, we are our needy people and we need you. We need you in our lives. We need you in our marriages because without you in our marriages, Because without you in our marriages, we have no hope. And father, I pray that you will speak through my words today. That what I speak is is is ultimately comes from you.

May I decrease and may you increase. May people's focus today be on you and on your purpose for this good institution of marriage. Help us now we pray in Jesus name. Amen. Amen.

Topic number one, the purpose of marriage. Marriage is not a political or social or cultural construct. It is a divine creation. It is God's design. Now before even getting into the purpose of marriage, we have to lay a definition of what marriage really is.

And to do that, we're going to look at several verses, familiar passages in the Bible, but we have to understand what is marriage according to the Bible. Let's start at Genesis chapter two. Genesis chapter two starting at verse number 18. Genesis two eighteen. Then the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone.

I will make him a helper fit for him. And let's scroll down to verse number 21. So the Lord God calls the deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept, took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man, he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, this at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.

She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man. Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. Marriage is one man and one woman coming together to form a one flesh union. That's the beginning of the definition.

But we have to keep on we have to keep on looking, at the at the Bible. Let's go now to Mark chapter 10. Mark chapter 10 for more of what the definition of marriage is. Mark 10 starting at verse number six. Jesus is speaking and he says, from the beginning of creation, God made the male and female.

Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What? Therefore, God has joined together. Let not man separate.

Marriage isn't just one man and one woman coming together to form a one flesh union, but marriage is those two people being joined together by God. It is not mainly a human act. It is mainly a divine act. God is joining these two people together. That's why the, that's why Jesus says, don't separate it.

Men, don't separate what God has joined together. Just flip a couple pages to Mark chapter 12. Mark chapter 12 verse number 25. Remember the sad you see at this point are trying to trap Jesus. And they do so with a question about and they try to do so with a question about marriage.

A man and a woman are married. The man dies and then so his brother marries the wife and that brother dies and seven brothers die all married to the same woman. And to trap Jesus, they say, in the resurrection whose wife is she going to be? And Jesus, as only he can say, you don't know what the scriptures say. You have no idea what they mean.

Mark twelve twenty five, for when they rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven. That's the next step step of this definition. Marriage is temporary as compared to eternal. Marriage is designed to last a lifetime. You will not be married in heaven to your husband or to your wife.

So marriage, one man and one woman forming a one flesh union joined to but get joined together by God that is designed to last a lifetime. But we have one more step. So let's turn to Ephesians chapter five. Pastor Daniel read this this morning for us. It behooves us to read it again to to hear the word of the of the Lord read again.

Ephesians chapter five verse number 22. You cannot have a marriage or relationship conference without this passage. Wives submit to your own husbands as to the Lord For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its savior. Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her that he might sanctify her having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word so that he might present to the church to himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing that she might be holy and without blemish.

In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself for no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes it and cherishes it just as Christ does the church because we are members of his body. Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. The end of our definition is also the, the answer to what is the purpose of marriage.

Marriage is for the purpose of displaying Christ's covenant keeping love for the church. How? Christ came for the church. Christ died for the church. Christ promises never to leave or forsake the church.

This is a covenant in his blood that will never be broken. And think about this. Marriage as we saw is from the very beginning, the garden of Eden. So we have thousands of years of marriages going on, but not realizing the true nature or the true meaning of marriage. That's amazing that we live in this day and age now.

For thousands of years, it was not realized because marriage is a shadow pointing to something permanent. Marriage is a picture pointing to the reality. Marriage, your marriage, every marriage points to Christ covenant keeping love for his church. Marriage points to the gospel. Marriage points to Christ.

That's the purpose of marriage. And anything else that the world could come up with is pathetic in comparison. Now people think the marriage is for a whole host of different reasons. Marriage is for personal fulfillment. Marriage is for companionship.

Marriage is for love and happiness. Marriage is for all number of personal things. And and look, a lot of these things are are good and the Lord wants your marriage to be filled with them. But the fact remains, marriage isn't mainly about circumstances, your circumstances, or your spouse's circumstances. Marriage is mainly about covenant keeping.

So think about this. On your wedding day, when you made those vows the very beginning and when you keep your vows throughout your marriage to stay fast to your husband or to stay committed to your wife, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better, for worse, till death do you part. What you are doing is you are pointing to the everlasting covenant that Jesus has with his church. There is nothing more glorious than that. There's nothing more meaningful than that.

The patterns of joy truly are based on what the true purpose of marriage is. And, you know, I could have entitled this, you know, how to avoid conflict. But that would rather be a low bar to establish. Right? Because these patterns, yes, you can use them to avoid conflict.

Than that, let's not settle for just peace. Let's strive for joy in our marriages because the Bible says you can know that joy. You can experience that joy of a growing thriving relationship with your spouse. This is not just about existing together without arguments. We want you to have a marriage that is pleasing to the Lord and that will give you ultimate joy.

So first, paths to joy in your marriage or patterns for joy in your marriage. Number one, nurture relationships. Nurture relationships. And the first relationship we have to talk about is your relationship with God. What are your spiritual disciplines?

What are your habits day to day? Do you read your word, the word of God? Do you pray to God? Do you spend time with God? Because I guarantee you, if your relationship with the Lord is not growing, then you will be less patient with your spouse.

You will be more irritable with your children. And even more than that, your focus will be on things of this earth and you will lose sight of things that are above. So your relationship with God is the most important relationship you will ever have. I wanna read three verses for you. And you don't have to turn there, but just listen and think about what is the common denominator in all three of these verses.

Psalm sixty three six through eight. When I remember you upon my bed and meditate you in the watches meditate on you in the watches of the night, for you have been my help and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you. Your right hand upholds me. Matthew chapter six verse number six.

Jesus teaching on prayers says, when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your father who is in secret and your father who sees in secret will reward you. And then lastly, Mark chapter one verse 35. And rising very early in the morning while it was still dark, he, Jesus, departed and went out to a desolate place and there he prayed. What are all of these verses have in common? Being alone with the Lord.

Do not neglect being alone with the Lord because it's in that alone time with the Lord that you fight sin in your life, that you deny the flesh, that you grow in sanctification and a love for holiness and where your love for the Lord truly can grow and bear fruit. That happens when you are alone with the Lord. And look, I know we are busy people. We are a busy society. But if you neglect your time with the Lord, every other relationship in your life, including the relationship with your spouse, will suffer as a consequence of that.

So your relationship with God And then your relationship with your spouse. And we are talking about relationships in a hierarchy here. We start with our relationship with God. And the benefits of that, the joy of that will flow down into your relationship with your spouse. Ephesians five, again, verse 25 to 28.

We're not gonna read the whole thing, but let me just read a portion of this. Husbands, love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her her that he might sanctify her having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word so that he might present the church to himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own body. He who loves his wife loves himself. So how do you cultivate that kind of sacrificial servant relationship with your spouse.

How do you do that? How do you grow closer together with your spouse? Here are a couple suggestions. Pray together. Do you pray together with your spouse?

And I'm not talking just about prayers over meal or or quick quick flare up prayer. Do you spend intentional time praying together as husband and wife? Do you read the Bible together? Do you read together? Do you talk about things that are eternal together?

Or is your marriage filled with schedules and calendars and bills to pay? And and what are we doing on the weekend? Invest the time in your marriage to think and talk about eternal things. And to accomplish that, look, we have to slow down as a society. We have to slow down as husbands and wives.

I heard this a long time ago when when I was preparing to get married married, and my wife reminds me of this all the time. It is important. I would say it is vital for you as husbands and wives to commit time each and every day as much as you are able to connect with one another on a personal level. It is vital. And this time is not to talk about the the scheduling or or what's going on with the kids.

This is this time is to talk about each other. How are you? What's going on in your life? How is your relationship with the Lord? Use this time because these little seeds whether it's five minutes or fifty minutes a day, these little seeds that you plant will continue to grow and strengthen and take root in your relationship and will continue to bear fruit years and decades down the road.

And the fact is, if you are not intentionally coming closer together, you will be drifting apart. There is no neutral ground in the husband and wife relationship. Next, how do you cultivate a relationship with your spouse? You study each other. You learn about one another.

This doesn't just happen when you're dating or engaged. This happens throughout your marriage. You should have a PhD in knowing your husband or your wife. And it takes intentionality, it takes effort, and it takes time. What does your spouse love?

What does your spouse dislike? When you know that, you can better serve your spouse. You can better talk to your spouse. And look, there is a whole industry, and you've probably heard of this already, about love languages. Right?

Whole industry, multiple books, conferences, apps, surveys, the five love languages for a healthy relationship, the five love languages for children, the five love languages for teens and singles and adults. I can sum it up for you in two minutes. And it's it's worth it because the premise of these love languages is important and worthwhile. The the premise is, look, we each receive love in different ways. One of the ways that I receive love, let's say, is by receiving gifts.

That shows that you've thought about me, you've observed me, you know what I like, you spent your resources on me and you've given me this gift. I feel loved by that. But then another person, let's say my wife does not feel loved by gifts. She likes them well enough, but she doesn't really feel loved by them. So if I lavish her with gift after gift, the most expensive gifts you can think of, she won't feel an ounce of love.

And then I will be getting frustrated. I'm giving you all these gifts. I'm showing you my love, but you're not appreciating them. That's the point of the love languages. Learn what your spouse, how they love, how they receive love, whether it's spending quality time with each other, whether it's words of affirmation, whatever it is, you should know your spouse and how they feel loved.

And then you should do it. Pursue each other. Pursue each other often and regularly in your marriage. And look, as as your marriage grows older in different seasons of life, this will look differently. You don't necessarily have to have a date night every week, but the fact is you still need to pursue each other with intention with intentionality.

The sum of this is, if you wanna grow in relationship with your spouse, it doesn't just happen. It's not going to happen through passivity. It's only going to happen when you put the time and the effort and the planning into growing that relationship. And we started with your relationship with God. We moved on your relationship with your spouse.

Next, and this is important, next comes your relationship with your children. Because if you get this order mixed up, it will lead to all kinds of issues in your marriage. The husband and wife relationship has to take precedent over the parent child relationship. We live in a very child centric age where children are the center of everything mom and dad do to the neglect of their own relationship. And so what happens when you do that?

What happens when you misplace those priorities? Well, when the children go out of the house and grow up, mom and dad, you don't have a relationship. And that's why you see empty nesters getting divorced because they don't know each other. They've been so hyper focused on the children that they have neglected knowing each other. So it is imperative that you get this order right.

God, spouse then children. And yes, this is not a conference about parenting, but we do as parents have an obligation to train our children in the ways of the Lord. I'm not gonna spend a lot of time with that, but know this. Just because children are not the center of your life doesn't mean that you are absolved of any responsibility to train them up in the way that they should go, to to model for them what it means to love the Lord because that is your responsibility as parents. That's all I'm going to say.

Your life. Number two, embrace the roles, the biblical roles of men and women in your marriage. At the beginning, God created distinct roles for men and women. Men, you are called to lead, protect and provide for your wife and your family. Women, you are called to be a helper to submit to the male leadership of your husband and you are the primary nurturer in your home.

Now for some of us, this might sound crazy because the world out there wants to distort God's plan for men and women. They want to deceive you. You hear it every single day. No. That's that's paternalistic.

That's the patriarchy trying to keep women and children down. No. Women can do everything and they should do everything that a man does. Women, they tell you your worth is not in your home. Your worth is outside of your home, in your career, in your job.

That's where you get the ultimate meaning and worth out of life. That's what the world says. Lies, lies, lies and it has resulted in generations of people being frustrated, angry, deceived and exhausted. God has a better way. So what does it mean practically for to to live out these God given gender roles for men and women?

Well men, this means that your primary leadership, your primary responsibility in the home is for the spiritual well-being of your wife and your children if you have them. Yes. You are called to provide. You are called to protect. And I don't I think for many men, that's not really the issue of food, shelter, and clothing isn't isn't our issue a lot of the times.

Men work. They're used to working. They're used to providing for the physical needs of their family and this is good and we should commend that. Having a a father and a husband who goes to work every single day to provide for the needs of his family is a beautiful thing. It's a God honoring thing, but we can't stop there.

Men, you are primary responsible, primarily responsible for the spiritual well-being of your family. That's a huge responsibility and it doesn't happen by being passive. You have to lead. You have to lead your wife and your family. Lead them in prayer.

Gather them together for devotions. Gather them together to open the Bible and talk about it. Explain it to them. That is your job as a leader. Take your family to church.

Show them model what it means to love the Lord, love the fellowship, love the bride of Christ because they will be taking their cues from you. And another way you lead is by modeling what it means to love the Lord. How do you spend your time? Do you love the things that the world loves? Do you love the trinkets the world loves?

Is your identity and your main goal as you're modeling it for your family to work hard and make a lot of money? Is that what you're showing your family? Are you showing your family that hobbies are more important than church or that that vacations are more important than reading the word of God together? This is your job as a leader in your family to model what it means to love the Lord. Now, I am I am fully aware that Satan will distort biblical masculinity every chance he gets.

And we see that today. This hyper masculinity, this distorted way of being a man that says, no, I'm the man. I'm the leader. I get what I want every single time. You listen to me.

You follow me. Wrong. Wrong. Being a man, being a husband is not about getting your way all the time. Being a true leader is about how do you serve those call you are called to lead.

How do you sacrifice for them? The Bible says in Colossians chapter three, husbands do not be harsh with your wives. So be gentle with them as Christ is gentle with us. Help your wives. Just because you are the husband doesn't mean you get to come home and sit down and watch TV while your wife is working.

Help your wife around the house. Means using everything, using all of your energy, using your time and your talents to serve those under you. Serve your wife and serve your children. One of the passages in the Bible that stands out for this is John chapter 13. And you know this you know this passage.

It's about Jesus washing the feet of the disciples. Picture this. Jesus is on his knees in the muck and the dirt of his disciples feet and he's washing their feet. He is serving them. Is there any doubt who the leader is in that room?

None. Serving your wife, serving your children doesn't detract from your masculinity. It proves it. Women, your primary sup you are the primary support to your husband and to your families. You are the helpmate.

You are the helper to your husband. Practically, what does that mean for your relationship with your husband? Wives, this means that you reject every trace of feminism in your thoughts and in your hearts because the devil is lying to you through that wicked ideology. Your career is not your primary focus. Make your home a place of peace.

Invest in the spiritual tenor of your home and with your husband and with your children. In plain speech, it means don't be a nag. Don't be quarrelsome. Proverbs 21 chap chapter 21 verse nine. It is better to live in a corner of the house top than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.

You know, people joke about that verse, but it's actually a very sobering verse when you think about it. First, men, choose your wives carefully. Choose your wives carefully. You do not want to be married to a quarrelsome woman. And women, if you are looking for a way to push your husband out of the house to the point where he would rather sit on the roof than inside, here's the blueprint.

Here's the recipe for that. Quarrelsomeness will destroy your relationship with your husband. Avoid it at all costs. But that doesn't mean that women you're simply passive and you just go along and get along with anything. Obviously, you do not follow your husbands into sin but more than that, you share a responsibility for the spiritual well-being of your husband and your children.

Right? So if your husband isn't doing what he is supposed to be doing, leading spiritually the family, wives. You are called to step up to the plate, and you do that in a humble manner, fearful of the Lord. You do that not by nagging, not by quarreling, but by encouraging this godly leadership that you want out of your husband. Honey, let's read the Bible together.

Let's gather the kids together. Will you come with me to church together? Let's pray together. And and moms, your responsibility, you spend the most time with your children, pour into them, equip them, share the gospel with them. I'm thinking of women of old like Susanna Wesley, mother of Charles and John Wesley, who poured into her sons.

And those sons grew up to love the Lord and to change the world for the with the gospel. Or Eliza Spurgeon. Charles Spurgeon, the prince of preachers said, my mother was the greatest influence in my life as far as my conversion goes. She showed me what it means to love the Lord. She showed me what it means to fear the Lord.

And then how about in even in the Bible, Eunice, the mother of Timothy, Lois, the grandmother of Timothy, these faithful women imparting the truth of God to the next generation. That's valuable. That's worth. Who cares about the next r and d project that you're in charge of? Who cares about that mergers and acquisition deal you just closed closed?

Your children, your family, their love for the Lord, that's what matters. And this idea of biblical femininity, this is not some kind of mousy, timid, anxious, a vision for women. This is not the handmaid's tale. Again, Satan wants to distort biblical roles whenever he gets. No.

When I look at biblical femininity, femininity according to the Bible, you know what I see? I see strength and dignity clothing women. Proverbs 31. I see a woman who is not afraid of anything that is frightening. First Peter three.

And I see a woman who has who has clothed herself with imperishable beauty according to the Lord. So when we embrace these roles as men and women, we not only are able to avoid issues, we are not only able to fix issues when they arise, we are cultivating a field. We are sowing the seeds that will bear fruit next year, next decade, and that will live on after us. Patterns for joy. And I need to hurry up.

Build protections for your marriage. You wanna have joy? Protect your marriage at all cost. Boundaries are meant to keep things in that should remain in and keep things out that should remain out. Look.

What are your boundaries with the opposite sex as husbands and wives? Because we live in a very casual society. Right? Text messaging, FaceTime, meet ups, whatever it might be. Lines are blurred and people let their guard down.

Protect your marriage. Husbands, and I might get hate mail for this. Husbands, you should not have any close friendships with a female who is not your wife. Wives, you should not have any close friendships with a male who is not your wife or is who is not your husband on a one on one basis. Because why?

Because you share your life with your close friends. You share your struggles. You share your emotions with your friends. Husbands, that's for your wife alone. Wives, that's for your husband alone.

One on one relationships with the members of the opposite sex have to be highly regulated and watched. Because look, you all know this. You just turn on the news. Affairs, pastors falling from ministry because of blurred lines, because of lack of boundaries. Even in this room, people you know who have committed adultery, where did it begin?

It most likely began with a friendship that turned into something more. So protect your marriage with boundaries. And protect your marriage also, establish boundaries with your family. Look. Families can be a positive influence on your marriage.

We need our families. We want our families to be involved in their marriage, but they can also negatively affect your marriage as well. So you have to establish clear boundaries. Here's here's some. Do not let anyone, your family, friends, anyone insult your spouse to you.

I've seen it happen. You've seen it happen where a family member makes a snide remark about your husband or your wife. Don't let it happen. And in the same way, don't you go around to your family members insulting or demeaning or belittling your spouse to them. Words have power.

Use your words to protect your spouse, not to throw them under the bus. Next, be united in decisions that you make as husband and wives. Look, even with the best intentions, family can be pushy. They can be bothersome. They can be they they they can cross lines that shouldn't be crossed.

Have you ever heard this? Was that your decision or your wife's decision? Is that your decision or is that your husband's decision? Here's the boundary you you established early on. It's our decision.

You might disagree among as a husband and wife, but when you are out there in public with your family, you have to be united in that because people, some people don't have the best intentions and they were looking for any chink in between you and your husband or you and your wife, and they want to pry that apart. Don't let it happen. Lastly, a protection that you can have in your marriage is sex. There is no shame in marital sex. Adam and Eve, we're both naked and we're not ashamed.

So it is with you in the marriage bedroom. And the Lord, he is so good. He is so good because he has given us the gift of sex for a number of reasons. Yes. For procreation.

Yes. For physical pleasure. Yes. For emotional connection. But even more than that, it's our spiritual warfare against the devil.

First Corinthians seven three three through five. We heard it this morning. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights and likewise, the wife to her husband for the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except perhaps by agreement for a limited time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but then come together again.

Why? So that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self control. A marriage without sex is vulnerable to all sorts of attacks from the world, the flesh and the devil. So patterns for joy in your marriage. Nurture your relationships with God, with your spouse, with your children.

Embrace the biblical roles of manhood and womanhood and protect your marriage. Set up protections now, which leads us to our last point. Paths to conflict resolution in marriage. Because we know that even with the best patterns and practices that we establish early and often, conflicts will still arise. Why?

Because we are still sinners. We still have pride in selfishness. We are still lazy and wanna get our own way. So where there is sin, there will be conflict. Where there is people, there is sin.

In marriage, you have two sinners living together twenty four seven. So the question isn't so much how to avoid conflict, but the question is what do I do when conflict arises? And we need to think deeply about that because it's not a surprise when it happens. So we should be prepared. Question, rhetorical.

How is conflict handled in your home? Whether it's your home growing up, whether it's your marriage as you were first starting out in marriage, or whether it's now. How is conflict handled in your home? Were there shouting matches? Were there screaming and cursing and yelling?

Was there slam doors? Or was there silent treatments? Coldness, walking on eggshells, active aggression or passive aggression. These are all unhealthy ways of responding to conflict. Why?

Because you're not trying to solve the conflict. What these responses show is that you're trying to manipulate the other person to do what you want them to do. That's not conflict resolution and it's like a feedback loop. It will just get worse and worse and worse. And just as an aside here, I wasn't gonna say this, but I I'm gonna spend the time to say this.

Some people, even in the church, unfortunately, into the disgrace of that person, handle conflict within marriage through physical abuse. Among us who call ourselves Christians. Right? Because if you respond, if you wanna get your way and I'm gonna speak to the guys here because, yes, I understand domestic abuse happens with female perpetrators, but it the vast majority happens with husbands hitting their wives. If you wanna get your way and win an argument by punching your wife, you should be scared to death to call yourself a Christian because the judgment of God is hanging over your head.

Throughout the Bible, you see this. God striking people dead because of their sin. There is no guarantee about tomorrow. There is no guarantee you will ever have a chance to repent. So don't even do it.

And and domestic violence is one of those sins that is incredibly heinous when you think about it. This woman whom God has given you, who has God has entrusted to you to care for, and you're going to punch her or lay your hands on her out of anger? How dare you? Lives. Look, I I I know the difficulties of being in the domestic violence relationship.

I I've seen case after case of this when I was a criminal prosecutor. I know the questions are hard but here's what I have to say to you. Wives, if you are in that kind of relationship, you are no one's punching bag. Get help. Get help from the church.

Get help from law enforcement. Get help from your friends and your trusted family members. Do not suffer in silence. That's what we as the church are here for. So in all of this conflict resolution, the Bible shows us the best way.

And I have five points here. Number one, do not let your emotions control you, especially anger. James chapter one verses nineteen and twenty. Let's turn there because we're gonna be referencing this verse a little bit. James chapter one, verse 19.

Know this, my beloved brothers. Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Our inertia in our hearts, our sinful desires prompt us to anger when we don't get our way, when people disagree with us, when things aren't going the way that they should, we naturally want to get angry. In Ecclesiastes seven nine, Solomon warns us about that. God warns us about that.

Be not quick in your spirit to become angry for anger lodges in the heart of fools. Anger kills relationships. Anger causes you to act unreasonably. You will say things that you never thought you would say because of your anger. You will do things you never thought you would do because of your anger.

Anger is like a forest fire. It is uncontrollable when it gets out of hand. And left untreated, anger will burn away all traces of love, affection, and tenderness between a husband and a wife. One of the scariest verses in the Bible is Matthew chapter actually, let's not go there real quick. We'll put a pin on that.

One of the most encouraging verses in the Bible Is Matthew chapter one verse number 19. Joseph finds out that his betrothed Mary is pregnant. You know, he could have her killed over that. Verse 19. And her husband Joseph, being a just man and unwilling to put her to shame, resolved to divorce her quietly.

But as he considered these things, behold an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream. Can you imagine the emotions that were going through Joseph's mind and his heart at that time? Betrayal, shame, jealousy, hatred, and anger, but he did not let his emotions control him. What does it say? He as he considered these things, he slowed down.

He did not let anger rule the day. He thought about it. He considered it. That's the number one thing you have to do to avoid or to resolve conflict. Take a step back and don't let your emotions control you.

Number two, listen and speak. Poor communication brought you into this conflict. Poor communication will not lead you out of this conflict. And so, when you are in the middle of a conflict, listen to each other first. Be quick to listen.

And when you do listen, understand where your spouse is coming from because it's so easy. We see this in politics all the time to to build up strong men arguments. Oh, you're saying what you're really doing is saying this, this, this. That's totally unreasonable. So you make an argument out of thin air that's not really your spouse's argument and then you shoot it down.

No. Stop talking and just listen. Understand where your spouse is coming from. And here's the question, can you tell your spouse what their perspective is? Can you say, okay, I understand you're saying this.

And can you do that in a fair way so that your spouse would actually agree with you? Oh, yeah. That is what I'm saying. Can you do that? Once you can do that, then it's time to speak.

Ephesians chapter four verse number 15. Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head into Christ. So when you speak, do so in love. Well, how is that? Well, speak with patience.

Speak with kindness. Speak in a way that you are not interested in getting your own way. That's how you speak in love. You are calm and you are truthful. This is not the time to hold back and and not express what you're really thinking or really feeling.

I'm not angry. I'm not angry with you. No. No. No.

No. I'm not angry. I've done that. That's not helpful. Right?

Speak the truth in love. And when you speak in love, it's generally not helpful to say, well, you did this. You did this. You did this. Because what are you really saying when you did this?

It means, I'm right. I'm gonna win this argument. Not the best way to set up, an opportunity to actually resolve your conflict together. And guess what? Through this listening and through this speaking and talking, it will take time.

It might take a lot of time, but every second is worth the investment. Listen and speak. Number three, don't wait until tomorrow. You know, it's it's very tempting to just punch the argument with a disagreement to later or never. Right?

That's we we we wanna do that. We don't most people don't like conflict. Most people don't like being uncomfortable around another person, let alone your spouse. So we just like let's let's let's punt it. Let's just sleep on a And you see that happen.

It's not a good thing. It's not a good thing. Yes. I understand that there are times when emotions is running high and you need to step back and say, look, I can't talk about this now. Give me a little bit to calm down and then we can talk about it.

You ask the question, well, how long should I wait? Well, don't wait until the morning. Settle it before the sun goes down. Do not let the sun go down on your anger. Don't go to bed mad at each other.

Because when you do it once, it will become easier and easier to do in the future. And you've probably seen this, whether it's your own family or others. Don't pretend. Don't pretend. Look, we're mad at each other, and then we wake up the next morning.

We never talk about it, but we just act like nothing ever happened. Oh, how are you? How did you sleep? I slept great. What are you doing today?

No. Take the time to reconcile together before you lay your heads on your pillow. It might mean you don't get a lot of sleep that night, but what you are doing is you are building your relationship with your spouse by working through conflict. If you neglect that, if you don't deal with it, if you sleep it off and never come back to it and pretend it never happened, you're sowing seeds of bitterness that yeah. They might not be apparent in the next day or the next year, but given enough time, and those seeds will take root and you're going to have an incredibly difficult time of uprooting them.

Number four, forgive early and often. Here's the fact of the matter. You will sin against your spouse, and your spouse will sin against you. How are you going to respond when that happens? Let's Let's look at Colossians chapter three.

Colossians three verse number 12. Paul, as he's instructing the church on how to live in community, his instructions are helpful to us when we're thinking about how husbands and wives live together in their own little community. Put on then, verse 13, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness and patience, bearing with one another. And if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these, put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

If you do not have forgiveness in your relationship, the fruit that will yield is an apathetic and bitter marriage. Unforgiveness in your marriage will kill it. Full stop. And now we get to one of the most, probably one of the scariest verses in the Bible, at least one of the most sobering verses, Matthew six fourteen. Jesus says in Matthew six fourteen, he's instructing them on how to pray, his disciples on how to pray.

And then he says, four, if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your father forgive your trespasses. This verse is not saying that your salvation is dependent on how you forgive people. That's not what this verse is saying because we know that we are saved by grace through faith in the accomplished work of Jesus Christ on the cross. So if you are saved, this verse is not meant for you to doubt your salvation.

But this verse is meant to say, if you are that person who chooses not to forgive somebody, whether it's for years of hardship, years of insults. But if you are that person says, I'm not going to forgive my husband. I'm not going to forgive my wife. Jesus is saying, look in your heart because you might not have experienced the true grace of God in yourself. We see it over and over in the Bible.

If you have been forgiven much, then you will forgive much. Is it easy? No, it's not. The only way it's possible though is through salvation, through the gift of Jesus Christ. And if you have been saved, how can you withhold forgiveness from somebody else when your heavenly father has brought you from death into life, has forgiven you everything?

We can't hold withhold forgiveness. And then we go to first Peter four eight. From one of the scariest verses in the Bible to I think one of the most encouraging verses in the Bible, first Peter four eight. How can I forgive? Well, Peter says, above all, keep loving one another earnestly since love covers a multitude of sins.

Love covers an ocean of sins And we can love because God first loved us. And that's the only way we can experience and then we can extend this kind of radical forgiving love when others do us harm. And husbands, this is where you lead. This is where you put, this is where you put the pedal to the metal. This is where you prove and show your biblical manhood.

Be the first one to reconcile with your wife. Be the one saying, I have sinned against you. Will you forgive me? Do not be the one do not expect her to do that. Humble yourself.

Be a servant leader and ask your wife for forgiveness. And you will see the amazing things Lord will do through that. Number five, and I'm cheating here. Make wise choices. Very briefly, choose your battles wisely.

Not every disagreement needs a conflict. Not every difference of opinion needs to rise into an argument. Think about what you argue with with your spouse sometimes. Does it really matter ten years from now, twenty years? Does it really matter a year from now, where do we go to eat?

How often do you cut the grass? How messy does the house look? Where is the dinner on the table? Think about these things and choose your battles wisely because I would submit most of the things husband and wives argue about are not worth the argument. Next, choose your counselors wisely.

When you are in the midst of trials and in conflict with your husband or your wife, where do you go for godly wisdom? Choose your counselors wisely. Do you go to people who love the Lord or do you go to some secular friend of yours? Do you go to people who are wanting your marriage to succeed or do you go to those people who will just say what you wanna hear? Yeah.

You're right. You're right. She's crazy. She's crazy. Or Yeah.

Yeah. You don't need him. Who do you go to as your counselors? Choose your counselors wisely. Lastly, choose not to ever entertain divorce in your argument.

When in the midst of arguments, commit with your husband and your wife early on in your marriage. When in the midst of your arguments, we will not let the option of divorce enter our minds. Because if you don't, it will tickle the back of your mind in the midst of conflict, in the midst of arguments and disagreements. It will tickle the back of your mind. Yeah.

You could you could get out of this. You don't have to deal with this. The grass is definitely greener on the other side. Don't put up with this. Commit yourself now not to choose that as even an option because it will force you to settle down and get to the hard business of actually resolving this conflict.

And now the last principle is really an overarching principle. When you are in marital strife, when you are in marital difficulty or in just an argument, remember this, Your spouse is not your enemy. Your husband is not your opponent. Your wife is not your adversary. Satan is.

So when you argue, fight Satan because Satan wants to kill your marriage. Satan wants to steal your joy and Satan wants to destroy all traces of love and tenderness and happiness from your marriage. Fight him and don't fight your spouse. So five steps to conflict resolution. And as I close, as I land this plane, I wanna talk to two specific groups of people here.

There are certainly more that I could talk to, but I wanna talk to those people in marriages, maybe older marriages, maybe younger marriages with a lot of pain, a lot of bitterness. Look. There's decades of unforgiveness. Mark, you don't know what she said to me. You don't know how often he's in salted me or demeaned me or failed to protect me.

And so your marriage right now is managerial in nature, if if if that. Right? You pay the bills together. You're civil to one another. You you talk, but just briefly to get things done in your marriage, but there is no love.

There's no joy in your marriage. To you, I would say, Jesus is greater than your pain. Jesus is greater than past hurts, past failures, and past sins. If you truly want to help your marriage now, it's going to take a lot of work and it will not be easy, but I guarantee you it will be worth it. How do I do that?

You say. Well, first, you have to be honest with yourself. What sin did you bring into this situation to get it to this point? Because I guarantee you, it wasn't just the other person's fault. So be honest with yourself.

Humble yourself. Look inside yourself and think of what you did to contribute to the current situation. And then, if you have humbled yourself before God, six powerful words. The six words that I believe God will use to cut through years and decades of scar tissue. Sit down with your spouse.

Six words. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me? I'm sorry that I failed you in this way. I'm sorry that I I sinned against you in this way.

I'm sorry that I did this over and over and over again. Will you forgive me? And trust in the Lord. God gives grace to the humble. If you humble yourself to your spouse, God will give you that grace.

But if you digging your heels and are prideful, I'm not gonna do that. It's her. She's gonna have to come to me. He's gonna have to come to me first, then God will not bless you. In fact, what God says, he will put his face against you.

He will oppose you because of your pride. No. Humble yourself and be consistent. Show your spouse that you have committed to change. Show your spouse that you are going to do things differently.

And guess what? Be patient. It's not good. Change might not happen overnight. Your spouse might never respond to you but but because of your humility, because of your patience, because of your asking for forgiveness, who knows what God can do in that situation?

God makes it a business of doing the impossible. God makes it a business of restoring broken relationships. Trust in the Lord and commit it to the Lord and do the hard work. Do not grow weary. Do not grow frustrated.

Be a Satan will say it's not worth it. It's not worth it. They're not responding. Don't listen to the lies of the enemy who wants to kill your marriage. Listen to the Lord.

Trust in the Lord because you ultimately wanna be at that place of your life whether it's tomorrow or fifty years from now where you stand before God and say, Lord, I did sin. I did sin, but then I followed after you and I tried to fix it. I trusted in you and I humbled myself. I did everything I could. That's where you wanna be as you're standing before the Lord.

And the last group of people I wanna talk to are those with an unbelieving spouse. You say, oh, Mark, this is all nice and good, but my spouse doesn't believe in God. My spouse isn't a Christian. So how can I even do any of this that you're talking about? There is no hope for my marriage.

It will be harder for you. And I wanna be honest with you. It will be harder for your marriage when you're married to an unbeliever. That's why it is imperative singles. It is imperative that you marry a believer.

Marry someone who loves the Lord like you do. Otherwise, you truly will be going in different directions as you are following after the Lord. Your spouse will be following after the world and you will be pulling against each other which invites nothing but conflict. And even if your marriage is peaceful per se, you will never experience the true depth of love and joy that God wants for you in your marriage. So to the the person with the unbelieving spouse, I'd say you do want your spouse to change.

Yes. You do. You want your spouse to become a believer so that you can walk hand in hand together as you strive for the kingdom of God together. But that is not going to happen men through domineering your wife or micromanaging your wife. Women, that is not going to happen by nagging your husband.

You know how you're gonna see change in your unbelieving spouse? Through the routine everyday acts of love and kindness that you show to them. First Peter three one and two. Likewise, wives you don't have to turn there. Likewise, wives be subject to your own husbands so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be one without a word by the conduct of their wives when they see their respectful and pure conduct.

God works miracles through the supernatural. He parts the Red Sea. He bring he bring sight to the blind man. He he he makes the lame to leap, but God also does miracles. And I would say he does miracles mainly through ordinary everyday means.

So think about that. You and your ordinary everyday, how you respond to your unbelieving spouse? How do you respond to their insults? How do you respond to their apathy? How do you respond to a difficult person?

Each of those bricks, God will use to show your unbelieving spouse the goodness of the gospel, the purity of the gospel, and the love of Jesus Christ. You could be the means of your spouse's salvation. That's remarkable. And then lastly, to those with an unbelieving spouse, yes, it will be hard sometimes to respond in a Christ like manner. But Romans five:eight, we can take our cue and our example from Christ himself.

Romans five eight, but God shows his love for us and that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Christ did not wait for us to get lovely before he lavished us with love. In fact, it was his love that made us lovely. Same with you, with your unbelieving spouse. You do not have to wait for them to love you or to love Christ.

You did have to wait for them to become a Christian in order for you to treat them with love and respect and kindness and tenderness. Do the work of Christ while you can and find your contentment in the Lord. Well, it may be difficult as you are going different directions from your spouse. Let your contentment be in the Lord. And here, we're not talking about fake smiles.

Oh, yeah. Everything's okay. No. There's no issues in my marriage. Oh, it's okay.

It's okay. No. Find your deep true authentic contentment in the Lord even in the midst of your hardship, even in the midst of your difficulty. Philippians four eleven. Philippians four eleven says this, not that I am speaking Paul is saying here, not that I am speaking of being in need for I have learned that whenever in whatever situation I am to be content, I know how to be brought low and I know how to abound.

In every in in any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Remember, marriage is not mainly about circumstances. It's about covenant keeping. In every act of faithfulness, every act of service, every act of love, point your spouse to Christ, points your spouse to the gospel.

And that's exactly where you need to find your contentment, not in your circumstances, not in your spouse. Find your contentment in Christ because if it's found there, no one can ever take it from you. I am out of time, but I will conclude with this. God cares about your marriage. God wants your marriage to flourish, to be filled with joy.

God wants your marriage to reflect Christ and the church. And there's no other reflection. There's no other better reflection than that. So look to Christ. Look to Christ for your marriage.

Put him at the center of your marriage and you will see his love, his joy, his faithfulness, influence and impact every area of your life, especially your marriage. Do that for his glory and do that for your joy. Let's pray. Heavenly father, we thank you. Lord, we thank you for your word.

It is a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path. Father, we thank you for blessing us with the truth of the gospel. We thank you for calling us to salvation so that we can reflect Jesus Christ in our lives and also in our marriages. Father, I pray that the words that I spoke today will will be a help to a couple here. Lord, that you will lavish marriages in this room with your mercy and your grace.

Lord, that you will bring forgiveness where there has been none. That you will bring joy where there has been none. That you will bring hope to hurting people. That you will bind up the wounds of the broken hearted. That you will bring death from that you will bring life from death, that you will restore the years that the locusts have eaten in this room.

God, have mercy on us. Have mercy on our marriages, but we want to know the true everlasting joy that is only found in you and we want that for our marriages. May you help us in that as we look to you. To you be the glory. In Jesus name, amen.

Amen.