Navigating Singleness | MBC Relationship Conference 2025 (Session 1) | Pastor Daniel Batarseh

Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. What a joy it is to see so many of you here. I'm sure that if we open it up for unlimited access, there would be more people here.

But the reason why we kept that at a certain number is because if you've been here on Sundays, you know how cranned it can get. And so we wanted to make this day as comfortable as possible while facilitating as many people as possible, and I think we're doing okay so far. I'd like for us to pray once more before we jump into the word of God. Well, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts that you've allowed us to gather as a family to speak out very important truths. Now we ask that the Holy Spirit would help us, that you would, uproot any distractions, objections, even emotional walls that might keep us from embracing all that you have to say.

Lord, we pray that not only would the substance be true, but that the delivery would be in powered by the Holy Spirit. We need you every session, every step, even during our fellowship time, we long for the Holy Spirit to guide, and we ask that he would have his way. Lord, may this change us, may this renew us, may this motivate us, may this instill hope in us. We need all of that and and above that, beyond that, we need what you know we need. So we ask for it together in Jesus name.

Amen. Amen. For many, unwanted singleness is like a persistent toothache. No matter what you do, who you're with, or where you are, there is this throbbing pain that never fails to sabotage your peace and make things less enjoyable. That is more true for followers of Jesus Christ because we engage and we interact with our singleness much differently than the world promotes it.

This culture endorses singleness as a boundless and limitless, exploration of erotic pleasures without the commitments of the covenant of marriage. Whereas the biblically grounded Christian understands that there is holy intentionality with your singleness, which includes many things and that of sexual abstinence, the consecration of our bodies to the glory of God, and the preservation and the provision of our good. And that's one of many challenges for the believer in navigating singleness on the raging seas of a sexually charged world littered with lies and temptations that cater to the flesh. But I personally am convinced that the false fantasies of a sin advocating society is not the only contribution to the difficulties of singleness for the believer. I'm afraid that the way believers, even church leaders, have addressed singleness has caused unintentional harm, generally.

From making Christians feel less spiritual, for having a strong desire to be married, to very unwise advice and comments like, God will give you a spouse the moment you stop thinking about it. It's no wonder why singleness feels like a prison sentence for many Christians. But contrary to over simplistic sermons and unthoughtful comments, a careful study of God's word will reveal that our heavenly father has provided us a genuinely fulfilling print for singles, for those who are not married. Now I'm aware that no matter what I say about singleness, there will be some who will object, who will protest, who offer some pushback. But you just don't understand.

And this is something that I can attest to from past comments and remarks. And so with this foreknowledge, allow me to make a couple of comments before we continue. Number one, it is my goal that anything that I have to say is rooted and found in the scriptures. I'm not speaking with my own authority. I'm appealing to the bible.

So everything that we're gonna point to is going to derive from the timeless principles, insights, clear commands, warnings found in the word of God, particularly for those who are not married. And so this is a hope for us. This is an encouragement for us because we can trust in the wisdom of God. This is where we're gonna find true transformational guidance. Not my personal experience, not my anecdotes, but the Bible.

That being said, if it does supply any additional grace, you are hearing from somebody who lived single for most of his Christian walk. It virtually defined my twenties. And I can tell you from transparency and with transparency that you are hearing from somebody who has been visited by the temptations, fears, doubts, yearnings, even the spiritual warfare concerning the future while serving and loving the Lord. More importantly, you are also hearing from someone who can say with a clear conscience that looking back at my single years, I knew genuine contentment in Christ. I enjoyed meaningful opportunities and relationships with others.

And so much of that phase of my life has contributed to the molding of who I am today. There's no doubt about it. And that being said, once again, I know that there can still be some resistance. Okay. You talk about being single in your twenties, but, try managing it well into your fifties or sixties.

It's one thing to be single as a young man, it's another thing to try to beat the race against a biological clock. Singleness tends to be a much more dreadful thing for women than for men. Well, brother, you sound like you're able to flourish in your singleness because you most likely had a very wonderful support system. Try managing the impulses of the flesh, the fears of the future with the pressures of parents. Who are consistently inquiring of my singleness, or close friends, even Christian friends, who treat me as subhuman for being single.

So without minimizing anyone's struggle, allow me to make a second comment. I don't pretend that what I have to say today will permanently put an end to the difficulties of singleness. I'm not gonna pretend that it will no longer trouble you when you leave this place. Instead, the goal of this message and this conference really is to bring to your attention that both singleness and marriage have their unique blessings and challenges. Because here's what I've observed over the years that there are good hearted brothers and sisters in Christ who are so focused on what they feel deprived of as singles that they're fixated on the mountain peaks of marriage while overlooking the advantages of being single.

So they're just caught up by the companionship, the intimacy, the memories, the the travels, the vacations, raising well behaved children that you're missing something in the moment. And I want to show you that there is actually something about this singleness that is a gift. I don't want you to overlook it. And I don't also want you to overlook the complexities of marriage. What I'm trying to say is this, that there is a way to wrestle with your singleness that is wasteful.

And there's a way to navigate your singleness that is fruitful. And I'm advocating for the latter. So the way we're gonna do this is by exploring certain points for singles at any age to become awaken to what God's providence has made available to you at this moment. But let me clarify certain things. The focus of this message is not for singles who are delaying that marriage for selfish reasons.

That's a whole different message. I'm speaking to those who are single not by choice. Moreover, please be merciful in this that there is no way that we can cover absolutely every single scenario of singleness in one message. And I say that now so that you don't get distracted by what about or or what if throughout this time. And that's what the q and a is for, to hopefully unpack some of the nuances of this of this subject.

With that being said, I want to lay out before you four ways to navigate singleness well. Four ways to navigate singleness not just navigate singleness, navigate singleness well. And the fourth point will be providing general practical counsel of how to transition from singleness into potential marriage. And I'm sure a lot of people are like, can you just skip to number four? We'll get there.

But first, I wanna deal with number one. If you are single in this place and you are a follower of Jesus Christ, I'd admonish you to cultivate holy anxiety. Cultivate holy anxiety. Turn with me to first Corinthians chapter seven. That may be a very predictable chapter in the New Testament concerning this topic, but let me remind you that this chapter is part of Paul's letter dealing with a church that had questions about relationships.

And the instructions that he provides in this chapter covers a wide variety of relational questions and circumstances. But you have to understand, if you if you read first Corinthians seven, you have to filter it through the lens of verse 26. Because verse 26 makes known to us that Paul is providing guidance in light of the potential uprising of intense persecution. He calls it this present distress. Now there's debate about what he means by that, but it's likely that he's speaking about the church in Corinth being attacked, being surrounded, being harassed for their faith.

And so, that will help regulate how you counsel and how you understand Paul's, line of thought here. If not, then you can come to very dangerous conclusions of what he believed about both singles and singleness, and married people, and marriage. Right? He's writing this in light of persecution that is on the horizon, and how they should prioritize things in life in light of this, especially how they prioritize relationships. That being said too listen to this.

This dawned on me for the first time when I was preparing for this earlier in the week. That as this church is ready to have their lives altered because of their faith, because of the danger that is looming, you had some believers who still were thinking about marriage. Talk about a strong desire to be with someone. Your life is in danger and you're still wondering, how can I get married? So even then, you had believers who really really wanted a wife or really really wanted a husband.

And Paul at some point confirms that it's not sin if anyone chooses to be married even if there is intense persecution on the way. But interestingly, he doesn't offer that counsel immediately. Before he comes to that conclusion, before he wraps things up in this chapter, he actually provides an alternative. He gives a different option and he actually promotes that option. And within that advice, we have timeless truths that apply to us at any point in life.

So look at verse 32 quickly. He says, I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about things of the Lord, how to please the Lord, but the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife. And his interests are divided, and the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit, but the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this to your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.

It's very easy to misinterpret what Paul is saying here. First, he is no way claiming that being single means you are more spiritual or faithful than those who are married. Even if you choose to be single for the sake of the kingdom of God. Nor is he suggesting that being single is a breeze while being married is miserable. The apostle is simply making a very realistic and honest observation, pay attention, about the difference between the simplicity of singleness and the complexities within marriage.

And he highlights the unique opportunities that come with the flexibility of single life. That is all that he's doing. Marriage is designed to be demanding. And it's no great revelation to point out that the obligations of a married person are not the same as the unmarried. Not that relational responsibilities is carnal or sinful.

In fact, if you're married, to honor your spouses and to live for their good and their well-being is to honor the Lord. You can't dismiss that. However, that level of commitment requires energy, time, and selfless considerations which divide. They divide your priorities and in some cases, they can become practical hindrances. So there are many accounts and stories and testimonies, for example, of brothers who wanna explore and pursue different avenues of ministries, but they can't.

Why? Because they are respecting the fears or the wishes of their wives. And that is just one idea of what Paul anticipates for those who are married. It impacts your time. It regulates your travel.

It influences your expenses. It requires a reevaluation of your risk even if those risks are in the name of honoring God. I see then. What Paul wants singles to do is to slow down and not rush into a relationship because he wants you to, as much as possible, enjoy a less anxious life. Actually, no.

That's not what Paul is saying. What Paul is saying through the spirit is that he wants singles to take advantage of the freedoms that come with singleness so that they can be preoccupied with a different concern. A different anxiety, if you will. Look again at verse 32. I want you to be free from anxieties.

The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. I'm sure many of us in here have counseled single people over the years, But how many can you say have challenged those anxieties of singleness and the future and what ifs and what about and when with this eagerness to make the most of this time to invest in the work of the Lord. I'm not sure that we can say of most Christians that this anxiety describes their singleness. But Paul, by the spirit, expects Christians to live in it. I'll never forget the time when I was thinking more seriously about marriage without any prospects in mind, just the idea of it.

And it was on a Friday night making my way to one of our bible studies and I began to just ruminate and reflect on my past, my present, and my future. And at some point, this thought hit me and it actually sent chills down my spine. Not that it was a fearful thing, but it was just so sobering. My hands are on the steering wheel, I'm driving safely, I'm looking ahead, but here's what's dominating my thoughts now. Once you get married, there is no turning back.

Once you get married, there is no turning back. And that thought was followed by self examination. And here's what I was asking myself. Did you make the most of your singleness or do you have regrets? And I began to reflect on specific monuments of my singleness.

What I did when I got saved in college, what I did after college, what I've been doing since college. Did I really make the most of my single years? Because no matter who you marry, no matter how godly they are, it's not going to be the same anymore. I want you to see how the same apostle who is promoting this anxiety also criticized a certain group of believers who went the opposite direction of what he had hoped for children of God. Because I wanna tell you something.

Being single does not guarantee what Paul calls undivided devotion to the Lord. It doesn't guarantee it. It doesn't secure it. You need to be strategic about it. So let me show you a place in first Timothy five where you have Paul here condemning the behavior of some younger widows who did not reflect the praiseworthy characteristics of a widow who was to receive financial support from the church.

Things like showing hospitality, caring for the afflicted, being devoted to good works. Instead of embracing such attitudes and such ambitions, these younger widows, Paul was informed about, spoiled their state of singleness. Look at verse 13 of first Timothy five. Besides that, they learned to be idlers. Going about from house to house and not only idlers, but also gossips and busy bodies saying what they should not.

So notice here that Paul is commenting on this group of younger widows, who evidently didn't even have children yet. Their husbands died before they were able to have kids. And with the free time that they had, they were slandering instead of serving. They were whispering instead of ministering. Instead of being caught up and then getting busy for the work of the Lord, they were putting and sticking their nose in other people's businesses.

Do you know what this teaches me? It teaches me that there is a lingering temptation for Christians in their singleness to be self absorbed. To be self absorbed. And without realizing it, they can even be so deceived as to pursue the will of Satan in their singleness. See, where are you getting that from?

Look at verse 15. For some have already strayed after Satan. And what does that mean? It means that in their state of being a widow without a spouse, their selfish desires, their sinful impulses was a foothold for Satan to steer them away from the will of God in that phase of their life and to actually pursue destructive patterns for themselves and for others. So here's what Paul does though.

By the spirit of God, he defines singleness as an opportunity to serve in a unique way, to live in a unique way. And I find it interesting that back in first Corinthians seven, Paul does not refer to the stage of life as a period of preparation for marriage. That's how Christians define singleness. But Paul doesn't talk about singleness like that. Nor does he speak about it as this agonizing, waiting.

Paul speaks about singleness as a time of excellent opportunities. And he actually makes a comment near the end of first Corinthians seven that I think would stagger most Christians. Go back to first Corinthians seven and notice what he says in his final words in this section of instructions for singles, engaged people, married people, divorced people. Remember, he's saying this in light of the present distress that this church was ready to face. But look what he says here in verse 39 and verse forty, first Corinthians seven.

A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives, but if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes only in the Lord, verse 40. Yet in my judgment, she is happier if she remains as she is and I think I too have the spirit of God. It's like you have to add that final point because it's like Paul, you're speaking out of your own head. He goes, no, no, no. I actually have the spirit of God.

Wait a minute. He says something that I think most people would think is inconceivable. What is it? He's telling widows who have lost their spouse. In the context, if you want to be married again, you're free to do that.

Only they have to be in the Lord. But notice, he says, but I think that she would actually be happier if she stays as she is. It's possible to be single and happy. Who would have thought? Not only that, he says happier.

Happier. Now look at all the shocked faces. I wish you can see what I see up here. Happier. Happier.

Yes. In terms of priority with the persecution that's around them, happier. But but remember, we're looking for underlying timeless principles. Paul believed you can be single and joyful. It doesn't have to be a drudgery.

It doesn't have to be this misery. It doesn't have to be this dark cloud hovering over your head. And only when you meet that person, the rays of life will pierce through and make your life meaningful. That's not how it works. When was the last time you paused and you prayed, Lord, what would you have me do with this time?

What would you have me do with these resources? Where would you have me go? As I was putting this together, a brother in Christ that doesn't attend here, he visits here. I'm not gonna name him because I don't think he would like it for me to name him. Some of you know him.

A brother in Christ who is later in his twenties as a single man, I believe is a wonderful model of what's possible in that season of life. Because this man has done many things already. One of the things that he chose to do, and this is what his parents have told me, is that he purchased a larger home for the goal of hosting missionary families whenever they're in town. And he as a single man has embraced foster children so that he can, in the best way possible with all the restrictions of that system, shine the light of Christ, lavish them with the beauties of the gospel. And with a full time job and serving a church and doing that on, in his own home with his own resources, he recently after our own conference sent out a letter, I believe to more than one person.

He sent one to me at least with prayer points because he was flying out overseas for many days to help a missionary family. And whenever he comes to the town, we sit down for quite a bit of time to be able to discuss his life and just have friend friendly conversation. And I remember after hearing all that he was doing, asking him a very straightforward question. Do you enjoy all of this? You know, some people could say, well, you know, I'm single and, this is just the best that I can do with my singleness until I get married.

Just a wonderful distraction. He smiled from ear to ear and with the most genuine tone of voice said, I love it. I love it. See, the the happiness that Paul is speaking about here, the secret to knowing joy even in singleness, even in loss that created your singleness is being intentional strategic with your spiritual pursuits with the freedoms you have. If you are not goal oriented, if you're not missional, if if you're not actually going to plan how you're going to manage this time and navigate this season, Satan is ready to tempt you.

As much as God has wonderful opportunities, so does the enemy of our souls. And the investments that I speak of lead to many outcomes including the alleviation of what is probably the most dreaded aspects of short term or long term singleness. Loneliness. Loneliness. Number two, you must invest in intimate relationships.

The piercing thought of loneliness is easily one of the main motivations that cause single people to squirm and to race into a relationship. And while husband or wife is the deepest human bond that one can know in this life, it doesn't mean that not having one ensures devastating loneliness. Some people think it automatically equates that. And this point is so imperative because it's not just for those who have never been married, this is important for those who might become single even in marriage. It's unlikely that people pass into glory at the same time.

And there are some who even experience early loss with a spouse and remain single for many, many, many years and choose to remain single until the end. So this applies beyond just those who are waiting to get married. It's even for those who involuntarily are slipped back into that season. I want you to see a promise in the word of God that I think should be more referenced in this discussion. It's in the book of Psalms.

Turn with me to Psalm 68 and look at verse six. Psalm 68 verse six. God settles the solitary in a home. He leads out the prisoners to prosperity, but the rebellious dwell in a parched land. Look at that first part of the verse.

The NASB renders in the following, God makes a home for the lonely. If you have the King James or the New King James, it will say, God sets the solitary in families, plural. Notice how precise the Bible is. We learn that there is a remedy outside of marriage that brings comfort to the lonely. And I believe the way that this promise is realized, ultimately realized, is in one of the earthly rewards of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Do you remember when we studied Mark? How Jesus comforted his disciples who had given up everything to follow him, that there would not be one who is not left. Families, homes, property, land for his namesake and the gospel's sake that will not receive a 100 times more in this life. 100 times what? Houses and brothers and sisters and fathers, mothers.

A 100 times more in this life. How can that be? I can assure you that Jesus is not promising an impressive real estate investment. What Jesus is saying here is that this manifold, this bountiful access to living rooms, bedrooms, siblings, parents is realized in the church of Jesus Christ. That's where it's found.

And what the Lord Jesus promised is so powerful because it implies that if a local body is in alignment with the will of God. Right? If if those realities are only and exclusively known with the experience of the church and that church is lined up with God's will, his mind, empowered by his spirit, then there shouldn't be any lonely people in the church. But like many of God's promises, he requires our participation. Many of God's promises require our participation for these kind of things to be known, so I'm required to make two comments at this point.

First to singles. Please, I say this from my heart. I say this with deep love. I say this as somebody who is single for most of his Christian walk. You can't expect to know deep and meaningful connections if you don't plug in.

And the easiest way to get to know people, even if you're an introvert, is to serve. You may find it absolutely horrifying after a service to get up and to look at a stranger face to face and extend your hand and shake it and ask how they are. But you know what you can do? Approach the leaders and say, what can I do around here? And I can guarantee you that if you serve consistently, wholeheartedly, you will meet people.

People that will serve alongside you and the people that you will serve. It's one of the wonderful byproducts of being a member of a church. It opens your world. And I've never seen this fail being in ministry for over a decade. You have to be willing to sacrifice even what your inclinations might restrict you from to experience God's promises.

Now let me turn to the couples. This is why I'm so glad that those who are married, engaged, have come to this session because knowing and learning about singles is not just for singles. The temptation for us married folk is to gravitate towards other married people. Other couples in the church, and listen, unintentionally ostracized singles. And I get it.

The reason is because you wanna surround yourself with people who understand the struggles and the unique challenges of marriage. But you have to understand that singles have something to offer you, and you have something to offer singles. So I want you to broaden your circles. I want you to broaden your plans, broaden your investments in relationship and include those who may not have a spouse. Because a beautiful partnership can happen there.

And there's so much that you can glean from and vice versa. And I won't get into the intricacies of it, but let me tell you something. Those who have families here, you have the glorious opportunity fulfilling one of Jesus' promises to those who have made great sacrifices to follow him. Let me speak from personal experience. I can't count the number of homes I've been to.

I can't tell you the number of pillows I've laid this head on as I've traveled for ministry. I can't tell you the amount of people that have come up to me and say, whenever you're in town, whenever you're in this country, you let me know or if you ever need to get get away, I'll give you a copy of this key. That's what Jesus meant in Mark 10. Houses and homes and brothers and fathers. And you have an opportunity, not just for those who serve in ministry, but those who serve in the church and sacrifice so much to love the Lord.

You have a chance of letting people taste something of a treasure in the gospel. Singleness does not mean you have to miss out on intimacy. And marriage itself does not promise it. Do you know how many lonely married people there are out there? Many.

Let me show you an example that confirms both of the statements I made. The statement that being single doesn't mean you can't have intimate relationships and being married doesn't promise it. Go to the old testament. Once again, look at second Samuel chapter one verse 26. This is David's lament after hearing about the loss of Saul and Jonathan.

And notice what he says here in verse 26 of second Samuel one. I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan. Very pleasant have you been to me. Your love to me was extraordinary, surpassing the love of woman. This is astounding.

You have a man who is admitting that he had a deeper bond with a brother than with his actual wives, plural. And this is not a verse that requires deep psychological analysis. It actually confirms something that is more common than you know. What is it? That sex and marriage does not guarantee intimacy.

Sex and marriage does not guarantee intimacy. If sex guaranteed intimacy, then there would be a lot more fulfilled people outside in the world who are jumping from partner to partner to partner to partner, and yet, there is a growing vacuum in their soul. And if marriage promised intimacy, there would be a lot less counseling sessions. You know what he shows here? Though the ideal is your spouse being the deepest connection you have in this life.

That's the ideal. God desires that. Doesn't guarantee it. But you know what is available? We have David and Jonathan here demonstrating how significant, satisfying companionship can be known with someone who is not your spouse, with somebody outside of romance.

That concept is so alien to our culture that those who have stumbled upon this verse have suspected that David and Jonathan must have had a secret homosexual relationship. That is commentary from people who don't have the mind of Christ and are clearly not saved. Those who try to advocate LGBTQ plus I forgot the amount of letters are now in the name. But those who advocate that and wanna try to have God confirm their lifestyle come to this verse and say, see, David and Jonathan had this bond that David couldn't know with a woman. That doesn't confirm your sin, what it confirms is the shallowness of friendships in the world.

That's what that confirms. That it's it's very difficult for people to conceive that it's possible to know a deep bond with another human being unless it's sexual or erotic. But he's saying, no, my my brother, Jonathan, there was there was this deep connection I had with him that I didn't have with my wives. Listen, as a Christian, you've been granted the capacity to know incredible bonds with other believers because you have something that is more powerful than blood itself, the Holy Spirit of God. The Holy Spirit of God in us.

And you don't have to miss out on rich relationships because you are not married. And as I was preparing for this, I was reading second Timothy just in my own time, my own devotions and I stumbled upon a verse, just a little brief phrase that confirms this with a man who was single, Paul. Can I just quote you what Paul said to his spiritual son, Timothy? This is this is why we need to read our bible slowly and actually think about the implications. Think about this was a man who wrote this to another man.

Second Timothy one four, as I remember your tears. Pause. So Timothy cried in front of Paul. You men, would you be able to do that? He wept in front of Paul.

He says, as I remember your tears, I long to see you that I may be filled with joy. You would think this is a love letter. I long to see you that I may be filled. I remember your tears. He's speaking to a fellow pastor.

He's speaking to a fellow missionary and it's totally genuine. You know what I find so fascinating? That as much as a godly marriage offers a a unique human bond unlike any other in this life, it is not going to continue in eternity. You know what will carry on into eternity? This family.

Have you ever thought about that? The family of faith will continue on in eternity whereas your marriage will cease as you arrive on the shore of glory. Invest in intimate relationships that's not exclusive to finding somebody that you're in love with. You can know it even with a brother, even with a fellow sister. Point number three.

After you cultivate a holy anxiety and you are intentional investing in intimate relationships with God's providential provision of people in your life, you must never, number three, lose sight of true contentment. Because what I'm saying here may now provide a, numbing agent to that toothache, but you know yourself well enough that the shooting pain will return maybe in a few days or weeks. And for every single person that pain may be different, but I think the most common pain that is shared is that of worry, of fear for the future. Because this is how strong this flesh is. No matter if you cultivate this whole anxiety and you begin to leaving this place, think and pray, I want to actually create bonds in this life.

Whatever is available to me, I wanna know it. Lord, open doors for it. It's very likely that you will be visited by thoughts that will interrupt. Thoughts like, what if I never get married? What if I never experienced the gift of sex the way God intended it?

What if I am destined to grow old and die alone? What what if people now think there has to be something wrong with me because I never got married? Thoughts like that. And when those questions seek to invade your peace, you have to remember that getting married doesn't settle your worries. It just opens you up to new ones.

New ones that also need to be taken captive to the obedience of Christ. Single people, you wanna know some of the thoughts married people think? What if I or my spouse dies early? What will happen to my wife if I have to leave her behind? What what do we do if we can't have children?

Because that happens to Christian couples, they can't produce children. What do we do now? What if we do have kids and they grow up never to serve the Lord? So getting married doesn't solve your concerns necessarily. Such thoughts, whether you're single or married, are startling reminders that both singles and couples must find their true rest, their true satisfaction, their true security in Christ, in Christ alone.

Because the aches of singleness are not final. And marriage is not the ultimate end. They all point to something greater to come, And you can taste it today. Your identity is not wrapped up in you being a single soldier for Christ or you being a married person with a fellow servant of Christ. Your identity is caught up in this one thing.

I have a covenant with God. I walk with my maker. And if I'm single, I walk with him solo, but with the church. And if I'm married, I have one person from the church that's just a little bit closer than the others, and we're doing this together. Your ultimate goal in any season is worshiping him, loving him, serving him and pleasing him.

That will change the way you view singleness, that will change the way you view marriage, And if you don't have that as your preoccupation, everything goes out of whack. Everything goes out of whack. I'm reminded actually of a verse that Paul gave back in first Corinthians seven to Christian couples that I believe, redirects them in an indirect way, redirects their priorities and what they ought to do as couples on a regular basis. Go to first Corinthians seven verse five. Earlier in this chapter, Paul says, do not deprive one another except perhaps by agreement for a limited time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but then come together again so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self control.

Did you notice that little phrase in between? In the middle there, that you may devote yourselves to prayer. You know what Paul expects married couples to do? To take time from each other and to spend time with God. Don't don't separate too long because Satan will take advantage of that and and seek to tempt you for those, especially who lack self control, but he actually anticipates that Christian couples will not lose sight of their personal devotion to God.

You know what happens to many Christian couples? The moment they get married, they disappear. They disappear from serving church. They disappear from coming to church. That's not God's will for you.

And I know Mark is gonna elaborate on on married couples in our second session, but I just wanna say this now. If you're gonna come together with a different follower of Christ, your devotion to Christ should become stronger. See again, going back to that contrast between singleness, the simplicity of singleness and the complexities within marriage, we're not talking about you being single means you're more fruit more fruitful necessarily, it's a different kind of fruitfulness. Marriage is a different kind of fruitfulness. And yes, though there is a division of priorities, it doesn't mean that you neglect your walk with the Lord.

So never forget where true contentment comes from. And even as you long for marriage, you're not gonna find ultimate satisfaction in it. It's only in the one who made you and who died for you and who's gonna redeem you unto himself. And that relationship with God is going to put an end to that relationship that you had on earth with that spouse. As wonderful as marriage is, it's not heaven.

It's gonna end when you get to heaven. So again, we have to we have to reevaluate our understanding of the temporary nature of marriage and the goal of marriage and the advantages of singleness. There's so much more that I can say, but I wanna leave some room for the q and a. But I will say this for my fourth point, and that's transitioning from singleness to marriage. Allow me to make some general comments.

General comments, I just wanna speak to you heart to heart, just really candidly. Let me give you just a few points. And, again, I'm not gonna touch on every point because we're gonna sit down together in an informal setting to discuss these matters. But let me let me talk to now singles who feel ready, who who are looking for some kind of counsel of how to transition from this phase to the next phase to a potential candidate. You ready for this?

Subpoint number one to point number four. Sub point number one. You ready? K. You have to marry a human being.

Why do I say that? Can I tell you why I say that? Because for some people who are single, it's not because of God's providence, it's more because of your pickiness. Your pickiness. It doesn't help that we live in a culture that photoshops people all around you.

And, for you movie, lovers and show watchers, you have to understand that those people that are on the screen are not real. Those are people that work out for a living, and have expert dietitians and trainers that make them look like that. And maybe you've seen this online that once a movie is over or something or a show, and, they, you know, snag a picture of somebody, just on their lawn or walking downtown or something. They don't look like the movie, do they? There's a reason for that.

Now I'm gonna get to this in a moment. I think attraction is important, but there are some who are unbelievably able to nitpick on every blemish. And what you need to know is that the beauty of the inner person is able to erase those blemishes. And you need to be open to getting to know somebody, not just their physical, but their personality for that to blossom and for that to become apparent to you. And I wanna speak on that more in a moment, but as much as attraction is important, what will make a more joyful, peaceful, fruitful, harmonious marriage is having two people who are first given over completely to the Lord.

Now I I came across this verse that I don't think I've ever heard in a marriage context or in pursuing a marriage or a candidate for marriage, but look at second Corinthians eight five. And Paul's speaking about these Macedonians who are extremely generous for this cause of raising funds for the believers in Jerusalem. And he says, in second Corinthians eight five, and this, not as we expected, but they gave themselves first to the Lord and then by the will of God to us. Here's what he's saying, that because of the submission of these Corinthians or these Macedonians rather to God himself, they were able then to support support and to surrender to these spiritual leaders. And so what you you find here is that there's a rule that when a person is submitted completely to the Lord first, you will know a better person in terms of submission, mutual submission in the place of marriage or any kind of mutual relationship.

Everything has to be grounded and founded upon somebody living completely and holistically for the Lord, and that's what you wanna look for in a candidate. So you wanna find that kind of character in a person. Don't get so caught up with the external. The external will only take you so far once you make a covenant with someone. Once you live in the same house as someone else, what's gonna matter the most is that person's convictions, that person's attitude in arguments, that person's humility, that person's fear of God.

That's gonna mean so much more than if the guy's hairline is here instead of here. Or if the girl is that height or this height. We get so caught up in those things and they don't supply the grace for an enduring thriving marriage. So learn to evaluate biblically, and allow the Holy Spirit to change your taste, and to train you into what to look for. I'm not against attraction, but I think so many people are not even giving some people a chance.

Because not everything from head to toes is in alignment with what you have conjured up in your mind. You might have seen a beautiful woman or or a man, and the more you get to know them, the uglier they get. And there might be somebody else who might not be a model, who might not turn heads every time they walk into a room, but the more you get to know them, the more beautiful they become. So expand your understanding of a potential candidate. Number two, sub point to number four.

Be presentable to pursue or to be pursued. So I want you to go to the book of Ruth quickly and look at chapter three. This is when Naomi realized that Boaz was a relative and that Ruth might have found herself a husband. And look at verse one to verse three. It says here that Naomi, her mother-in-law said to her, my daughter, should I not seek rest for you that it may be well with you?

Is not Boaz our relative with whose young woman you were? See, he is winnowing barley tonight at the threshing floor. Wash therefore and anoint yourself and put on your cloak and go down to the threshing floor, but do not make yourself known to the man until he has finished eating and drinking. You know what stands out to me this in this passage? That when Naomi learned that Boaz could be a potential spouse based on the law, right, he could have been a kinsman redeemer to Ruth, he tells Ruth, before you go meet him, take a shower, anoint yourself, put on a cloak.

So I I spoke about appearances not being everything and not being so picky, that you might miss out on somebody who might be more beautiful than you thought. At the same time, it's good. It's good to be presentable, to be pursued and to pursue. Wash yourself. Take care of your hygiene.

Smell good. Put on something. And I love what Naomi says here on top of it. She goes, don't talk to him when he's hungry. You know men how they get when they're hungry.

Right? So wait till he has a full belly and then talk to him about all this legal stuff about, you know, the law about, hey, it might be your wife. Right? Wait till he has a full stomach. So I I would say, look, there is something here, I think, for us.

That you have an older woman helping a younger woman in this area of her life. And Christians come up with very clever ideas for how to approach practical things in life. Here's one of them. God sees what's in the heart, not what's outside. Right?

They quote first Samuel. That has nothing to do with hygiene. That has nothing to do with how you carry yourself. That has nothing to do with any of that. So to apply that so that you can be sloppy, and you don't care about your appearance or how you carry yourself is very unwise.

It's very unwise. Women should be feminine. And if they don't know how to be feminine, they should be trained to be feminine. Men should be clean. Men should take care of their physique.

There's nothing unspiritual about that. And again, if we don't have that kind of knowledge, then those who are single here especially, maybe you didn't grow up with a father who invested in you in that way, or a mother who invested in you in that way. Then look around the church and humble yourself and ask questions. Particularly those who are married, and look at somebody that you admire. Look at somebody that is presentable and and ask them.

Ask them some things. And we should be who those who are willing to receive that kind of, questioning, be willing in kindness and gentleness to speak speak into people's lives. I don't have any children. I hope to have children soon. And if God were to give me a son or a daughter, give us children at at a right stage of life, I will tell them among many things, not as a priority, but among many things, I would say, son, the way you carry yourself in public will either work for you or against you.

That's just the way people are. That's just the way people think. So let it work for you. That's not a call to be extravagant. That's not a call to do surgical stuff, just basic basic approaches to being somebody who is presentable.

But it's not just about physical appearance, it's not just about what you wear, it's about even your skills socially. So I think there are two extreme approaches when it comes to pursuing. I call one the hermit approach and I call the other the hyper approach. So a hermit is somebody who lives in solitude for the sake of religious disciplines. Right?

We're not hermits as Christians. We we live in community. But there are those who have maybe it's personality. That's why I wanna be gentle here. Maybe just it's your personality and this may be shocking to you, I'm an introvert by nature.

I love to be alone. I get my energy from being alone and reading books. That's just the way I am. I love people, but I also love to be by myself. And there are some people on the spectrum, it's it's a different intensity.

Some people are like, I love people because God told me to love people, but I I just I love to really be alone. I just I don't like to interact with people. Listen, again, going back to what I said in the message, you you have to be somebody who's willing to talk and carry on a conversation. So if a gentleman approaches you in the church or any other spiritual setting or any setting for that matter, it's not ungodly or unspiritual to converse. Right?

So, hey, how are you? Good. Alright. How long you become of the church? Quite a bit.

What's your testimony? God save me. I'm a sinner saved by grace. Alright. You can talk, ladies.

You can Good. How are you? How long you been coming here? Are you a member here? No.

What do you do? What's your testimony? That's okay. Open up. Talk.

It's fine. And gentlemen, can I tell you something? Just because a lady says, what did you do this weekend? Doesn't mean she's into you. Necessarily.

You know why? The cashier at Mariano's asked the same question. You didn't think that, did you? So don't leave here saying she asked me what I did and she asked me my testimony and now you're texting your buddies. I found the one.

Just relax. Just relax. Have a conversation. Right? So the hermit approach.

You just wanna live in your own world. You don't wanna talk to anybody. You don't wanna carry on conversation. Well, your singleness might be longer than you had planned for. K?

There's more that I can say again. Leave it for the q and a. The hyper approach. And we're running out of time here, so I gotta fast forward. The hyper approach.

This is the opposite of the hermit approach. And this is the person that holds nothing back. Alright? And everybody knows that this person is after a spouse. And that could be true for a guy or for a woman.

That is not helpful for your case. So, the hyper approach can look like many things. It can look like going back to a conversational example. How are you, sister? Wonderful.

Do you enjoy the service? Yeah. You know, the one point that pastor made really ministered to me. That's great. That's great.

How many kids do you wanna have? You think that's funny, but there's some people, they don't even know the person's last name. They're already asking for a number. They want them to just gush out absolutely everything they have in mind concerning marriage, spouse, family, where to live, what kind of fence they wanna have, all that kind of stuff. Relax.

Pump the brakes. You can talk to somebody more than once, twice, five times and not give off the vibe that you're ready to take them and put a ring on the finger without their choice. And it's not good. Listen, gentlemen, listen very carefully. It's not good, and this is true for women, but it's more for men to jump from woman to woman to woman, making known right away that you're looking to get married.

Because a woman is not gonna feel like you're pursuing them, they're gonna feel like you're pursuing marriage. And you're just willing to go after anybody. So just be a brother. Be friendly. Be kind.

Be patient. And just let things flow naturally and read body language. Read body language. So, maybe the person doesn't have the the hermit tendencies, but they just don't wanna, after the third or fourth time, carry on in conversation, get to know you on a deeper level. Okay.

Then leave it alone. Stop harassing them. Right? When you see them around, hi, how are you? Good good good small talk.

But you don't have to hound them and you don't have to ask, what's wrong with me? Why aren't you talking anymore? Just they're not interested. It's okay. Just move on.

Right? And let me bring this last point to you. Be open to God's providential leading. So there are some who not only reject prospects because of a standard of perfection that is not realistic, but because the opportunity does not line up with their narrative, their personalized idea of how they're gonna come together with a person that God planned for them. There are people like that.

How this is going does not fit with the script that I have created or that I've even prayed for, and so I'm never no longer gonna entertain it. God can have somebody for you and that person was in love at first sight. God can have somebody for you and they don't share the same cultural background. God can have somebody for you that you never expected was to be for you. And that's not to give you something less than what you hope, it's to give you something better.

There is a excerpt that I wanna read to you from the book, The Mystery of Providence, written by Puritan, John Flavel. And I wanna read to you in the chapter that speaks on family affairs. So I'm just gonna read this as a closing statement. He writes, quote, that providence has a special hand in our marriage is evident both from scripture assertions and the acknowledgments of holy men, who in that great event of their lives have still owned and acknowledged the directing hand of providence. Take an instance of both.

The scripture plainly asserts the dominion of providence over this affair. A prudent wife is from the Lord. Proverbs nineteen fourteen. Whosoever findeth a wife findeth a good thing and obtaineth favor of the Lord. Proverbs eighteen twenty two.

So for children, lo children are a heritage from the Lord and the fruit of the womb is his reward. Psalm one twenty seven three. Pay attention to this part. There is very much of providence seen in appointing the parties for each other. In this, the Lord often goes beyond our thoughts and plans.

Yay. And often crosses men's desires and designs to their great advantage. Not what they expect, but what his infinite wisdom judges best and most beneficial for them takes place. Hence, it is that probabilities are so often dashed and things remote and utterly improbable are brought about in very strange and unaccountable methods of providence. That's profound.

So I hope that your appetite has been excited for what we have in store for the rest of this day, but let me conclude by just revising some of these points. Singles, I hope that you have fresh fuel to cultivate a holy anxiety. Be strategic with your singleness and see how God will use it and actually make you happy. A happiness that can that can challenge the anxieties you have for marriage. Two, invest in intimate relationships.

There is a possibility for meaningful connections outside and beyond marriage. Third, remember, remember, remember where your true satisfaction comes from. You're not gonna find ultimately in marriage, you're only gonna find in the one who made you. And lastly, take those general guidelines and see if they apply to you, and hopefully they'll open your mind to more specific questions for our q and a. Shall we pray?

Lord, we thank you for this time, and we ask that you help us retain these truths. Lord, we pray that, more than anything else, this would encourage our hearts as we rest in your providence. That no matter what we do, like Ruth, as we seek to obey you in the circumstances that are set before us, we can trust that you will take care of the other areas in our lives. So, Lord, we ask that you would bless this food as we fellowship. We pray that you bless the next session and the q and a and everything in between.

Lord, we give you glory for this time. In Jesus' name, amen. Amen.